Paradox
by xxdeath.by.chocolatexx
Summary: //Bella is alone, but she only ever wanted to be like him.// Bella's musings on Sirius, and his in return. Giftfic for Jacalyn Hyde.


She never really hated him, she thought, but perhaps she did not recognize what she felt, that perhaps she felt some sort of familial tie, but could not place it, and therefore shied away from it as she would from any good.

Because she was desperate to be bad, she never wanted to be the good one, but she was in a paradox. Being a Black meant what was bad to the rest of the world was good to her family, but what was bad to her family was good everywhere else.

The first night in Azkaban was the worst. She could hear everyone else crying and moaning, their souls tortured, and she lay there wondering why she didn't feel as they did.

She concluded that somewhere in the process of killing all those people, she had lost her soul, and after that she was grateful, because at least they couldn't take it from her now.

Once upon a time, Bella had dreamed of being a rebel like her cousin Sirius, because that's what he was. Bella wanted to be loved like he was, but she wanted to be dangerous.

What people saw in Sirius was adventure, excitement, raw power, he was free. He left on his motorcycle, and kicked up dust like a dark hero whom nobody could catch.

Bella wanted that, more than anything. She wanted people to look at her when she passed, and know that she was the beautiful heroine whom everyone wanted to be, but nobody could.

When Sirius was in Azkaban with her, they didn't interact much. He knew right from wrong, and she wished it was so easy for her to distinguish as it was for him. He seemed so sure, and that's really all she wanted.

* * *

Sirius was a rebel, and he knew everyone thought he was cool. He wished they could see through his oh-so-unbreakably-perfect exterior every once in a while and realize that he was a real person. He had troubles too.

Sometimes he thought the only person who could have understood how he felt was his cousin Bellatrix. It was strange, and unspeakable, because he was on the good side, and she was on the bad side.

But he would have liked to talk to her, just once, to see if she was as alone as him.

When Sirius was in Azkaban, he knew he was innocent. It was what kept him alive. But he knew Bellatrix was guilty. It was what kept him away from her. Otherwise, perhaps he would have felt some kind of familial tie. Some connection.

It was there, he felt a spark, but he ignored it, and he was able to, because of what she had done. So in some ways, he was thankful for what she had done, because at least it kept him from becoming as twisted as she was.

She was a warning, to him, to her family, that the Dark Lord was just that, and perhaps that there was something more in life than becoming as she was. A mere servant, fueled by lust and passion and insecurity.

Still, when her crazed screams pierced the suffocating air of Azkaban at night, he wished a little that he could allow it to affect him that way, that he could just lose it like that.

Sometimes, the knowledge of innocence was a curse. He couldn't give himself over completely, not when there was something left to live for.

For now, Sirius counted his blessings, and focused on his goal, which would not, could not, be to die. It was tempting, yes, endlessly tempting to let go.

But when it came down to it, he was one of the good guys. That was what made him different.

* * *

The night Sirius escaped, Bella lost it. She truly lost it. She screamed with rage, and sobbed with grief. _Why hadn't her master come for her yet?_

And she knew, somewhere inside, that it was over. Her master was as good as dead, he was gone, and she was expected to stay faithful. And she would, because there was nothing left for her anywhere.

She was alone.

* * *

Sirius escaped from Azkaban, and when he did, there was a freedom inside him. He ran, feeling the ground beneath his paws, until he collapsed in his human form in a deserted cottage. Soon he forgot about his time in the prison.

The only time it came before him was when he was laughing a laugh filled with insecurity while staring at his cousin, just before he was gone.

* * *

**A/N: **This was a giftfic for Jacalyn Hyde. I am sooo sorry it took so long...but here it is. I hope you like it!


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